COMMITTEE TO BEGIN DELIBERATIONS

Firstly, the committee would like to tender its apologies for some slowness this week in processing show entries. This was due entirely on people, the public, you out there, being far too keen on entering the show. If only you had taken less trouble to publicise the show and to enter your thoughtful and good-hearted entries, our lives would have been so much easier. Please bear that in mind next year! 

Secondly, congratulations to all involved for the high standards of submission. Even Cleve's blight was strangely alluring. (Though Mr Alexander-Sinclair as always lowered the tone, this time by submitting a pumpkin he claims resembles Kerry Katona. I include a Google link for Miss Katona here, not to encourage Mr Alexander-Sinclair further but merely to help our American and Limburgese colleagues who may not be familiar with Miss Katona's body of work.)

Finally, we look forward to judging the entries. If there is anyone who feels they would have liked to enter but hasn't quite got round to it, I'm sure that the committee is now so exhausted from its nine-hour uploading marathon today that probably not much judging is going to get done for a few days. If there's one last thing you're itching to enter, please feel free. Unless your name is VP in which case you've already entered everything and you must be dreaming. 

With many best wishes to all the competitors,

The Committee. 

In particular the Committee are happy to receive any last minute entries for a hastily invented category of flower arrangements for Rachella de Thame's slutty evil sister, as requested. 

LAST MINUTE CATEGORY ADDITION: FLOWER ARRANGEMENT FOR RACHEL DE THAME'S SLUTTY EVIL SISTER

After unbearable pressure was put on the committee (silent phone calls, threatening letters, horse's heads in our beds) we felt that it would only be  fair and proper to immediately institute  a new category, "Flower Arrangement for Rachel de Thame's Slutty Evil Twin Sister." Just for like, our own peace of mind. 

For legal reasons we'd like to make clear that this slutty evil twin sister is of course, imaginary, and that if Rachel de Thame does indeed have a twin sister, or indeed a sister of any kind, we cast no aspersions on her presumably immaculate character. 

The first absolutely gorg flowers here are from Karen "an Artist's Garden," who said, "This arrangement is for the evil sister of Rachella ....I picked the darkest and most sinister things that I could find in the garden. Included in the arrangement are the seed pods from a phormium, canna, a dark hebe, angelica, a small velvet queen sunflower, rudbeckia cherry brandy and dahlia Arabian night. The foliage is physocarpus diablo, and cordaline and I think the resulting bouquet is suitably sinister!"

The second is from Helen at Patient Gardener. I really like this, it has a kind of in-your-faceness that's quite outrageous. 

And finally, Lia Leendertz sent this, wowsas I love it and it makes me sick she can grow vegetables and flowers. I particularly like the opium poppy seed heads, they are groovy, although i do imagine Rachel's evil sister being more of a Ketamine person herself. But that's just me! 

ROLL UP, ROLL UP, ROLL UP

After last year's exhausting outing (plus the continuing problem over the missing silver cow creamer), the Emsworth Committee had rather thought of taking a year off organising and instead taking themselves to Tobago for a week or so (which apparently would have been allowed for within the generous terms of the Show's covenant, regarded as legitimate entertainment expenses). 

However at the last moment they have bowed to public pressure and are therefore steeling themselves to spend the next month mired in jappy pegs or whatever you call 'em. 

As always, though, the first step is to email ME, Miss Emma Townshend, of Little Piddle Cottage, Field Lane, Emsworth, on: anicegreenleaf then a DOT then hotmail then a DOT then com, with pics, and a note to let me know what you want to enter.  Despite the apparent private jokiness, this is a public show and all categories are open to all. Please DO enter. 

Good luck to all, 

the Committee

SWEET LITTLE BABY ANIMALS

What could trump the winning photo from last year of Matthew Wilson sickeningly doollally over a hedgehog? My friends, it's all to play for. 

Amanda Hill with an amazingly cute first entry here. She says: "These are the star-nosed moles that I found underneath my compost heap in the spring. (Story here)".

VP sent this.... Ahhhhhhhh

She says "Tilly, an adorable 10-week old labradoodle joined our next door neighbours' family today. She's all wag, running and enthusiasm at the moment :)" Ha ha. Just wait till she starts chewing your penstemons, then you'll be sorry.

29th August update

Jane sends this, which is absolutely disgusting and shouldn't be allowed. She writes, "Here's my entry in the cute baby animals category. Eric Carle was right - caterpillars deserve some love!" Hmm. 

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE

This is from Claire Potter, 

who says it's Mabel, "our border terrier cross with a wonky jaw." Awww.

And these from Venetia, who writes, "Oh, also for sweet baby animals how about some piglets, not mine, but could you look a bacon sandwich in the face right after seeing them?".

LIVESTOCK 1: BEST CHICKEN

The committee have decided that under the allotment show rules, any animal resident in the garden can count as a chicken. 





This is from Amanda Hill again. Her "amazing vanishing hen"! 

And this shot from Emma Cooper is of course, "Princess Layer, the world's most beautiful and superior chicken." I don't know if you all know but she has a book out. Emma I mean, not the hen. 

I'm loving this super macro chicken shot, from Steel Phoenix. As always click to enlarge! 

The Otter Farm Chicken, a superb beast. Actually I'm sure there's more than one, but this is a good one. 

24th August update 

Frugilegius writes: " Dear Esteemed Judges,

Please find attached an entry for the Emsworth Village Show 2009 in the
category Livestock 1: Best Chicken.

I was delighted to read that, under allotment show rules, any animal
resident in the garden can count as a chicken, as I have an extremely
large and healthy flock of 'chickens', that love scratching around
amongst the vegetables. The attached image features one of my smaller
birds, but I hope you'll agree, still a fine specimen - affectionately
known as /Little Clucker///.

Best wishes,

Frugilegus
PS. No 'chickens' were harmed in the making of this chicken."
 

Hmmm there's something funny about that chicken I can't quite make it out

Update, 29th August

James sent this, with the following email: "Being so young and innocent you were perhaps unaware that - in the same as babies are found under gooseberry bushes** - chickens come not from eggs but from cabbages. Attached is a photograph of the miracle of life unfolding.

**I have often wondered why Gooseberries? They are awfully prickly and, unless the baby was extremely cute, it wouldn't really be worth getting all scratched up retrieving it."

And VP sends this, with the following addendum: "Here's my Emsworth entry for best chicken ;) Readers of Emsworth Show 2008 may remember the animals at VP Gardens are a very talented bunch. Last year I entered my time telling frog: for 2009 I'm proud to reveal my equally fantastic chicken who tells us which way the wind's blowing. As you can see the surrounding plants have got rather jealous of her, so the Clematis tangutica is holding her back a little and the Rosa 'Rambling Rector' is on standby to add reinforcements if needed."

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE

Claire writes, " best chicken - well two actually - maddy and morzine - our lovely Araucana girls." Fluffy!

Frances from Faire Gardens sent this, which I think you'll find perfectly qualifies under the rules, "an Eastern box turtle eating a fallen peach from a purple leaf peach tree in my backyard."

As does this, which Esther sent with the following note: "Dear Emma, This is a chicken."

James A-S was more cautious, appending "Am I allowed to enter my peripatetic peacock (name of Pilogenes) in the domestic animal category?". Frankly, if you can roast it with potatoes, you can enter it.

LIVESTOCK 2: BIGGEST FATTEST PIG

Ahhhh! That is a large pig. Emma Cooper sent this picture, with the crypto-cheaty appendage, "Am I allowed to enter a pig that doesn't live in my garden for LIVESTOCK 2: BIGGEST FATTEST PIG? I am attaching a photo of Rodney, who lives on a local open farm." Yes, Emma, even the briefest of readings of PG Wodehouse suggests that for the giant pig category, all kinds of cheating and underhand skullduggery should be permitted. Speaking of books, have I mentioned that Emma has just published one?

Hmmm, update, Monday 17th Aug. 

Jane Owen just sent me this photo, along with a cryptic email suggesting she is not taking this competition entirely seriously. I hope that I have misread the tone. She says, "The flower and produce 007 hybrids as developed by William Boot and Jane Owen. These outstanding intelligence gatherers have already proved their worth. The latest 007 hybrid cross-border dossier includes information about fat pig feeding techniques as used by breeders in neighbouring Wooster. The Wooster fat pigs can be fuelled and herded into Emsworth in 3.6 seconds." I can hardly refrain from interpreting this as some sort of threat to my own prize pig, Esmerald, the Queen of the Suburbs. Sickening. Here are some of the images of intelligence gathering hybrids:

If you see any of these spy fruit in your own garden, beware! Jane Owen is a formidable enemy! Do not approach them, but report them at once to Emsworth HQ!

VP is using snaps of the same pigs that she was on about last year, so I'm tempted to disqualify on those grounds.... Hmm..... But anyway, she says, "There's more pigs than you can shake a stick at, so that makes them pretty heavyweight porkers in my view. This is just a fraction of all the 100+ pigs which were to be found in the streets of Bath last year. As you can see, they all got together for a very big party in the park last October."

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE

Claire sent this pig... as she admits, "well sort of fat, but mostly ceramic".

ART AND DESIGN: CELEBRITY PORTRAIT MADE OF FRUIT OR VEGETABLE

I have changed some of the categories since last year, but this one, I'm afraid, is such a firm favourite that it is staying exactly the same. However, extra points will be awarded for representing topical celebrity scenes (Peter and Jordan's divorce, Cheryl Tweedy smoking, Alys and Toby coming to blows over the palm tree planting etc). 

A lovely first entry here from Mr Alexander-Sinclair, it's Donatella Versace. 

Another from Mr A-S, it's "Alfred Hitchcock wearing a bobble hat." He is definitely going for it with the tomato portraits this year. Very smart stair edgins, that's what I can't help noticing. 

Yet another tomato portrait! This one from Amanda, she says "I am unsure whether to enter this as a celebrity portrait or as a mis-shapen vegetable. Unfortunately I am sadly uneducated in the identification of celebrity derrières..." I feel that we should help her on this by posing suggestions. Mine is Beyoncé.

Helen the Patient Gardener finally manages a celebrity that isn't a tomato! "Vegetable Celebrity lookalikey - here is Carol Klein with her spiky hair, big smile and bright top."

And then Lottie sent this, which is so cute, saying "From left to right, Toby, Alys and Joe! It's not easy taking a photo without my glasses on! :o)."

29th August update

This one is definitely going to earn some extra points, because it's just so funny. Karen from An Artist's Garden writes: "As I don’t read “Hello” or anything similar, and we don’t get Gardeners World (often) my knowledge of celebs is rather sketchy.
So I have sent you a picture of “Some Beans” .... I am not sure that I got the nose exactly right, but I hope that Happy Mouffetard will forgive me this, as Some Beans is so elusive when it comes to having a photograph taken." 

Teee heeee!

6th Sept Final Update


James De Blackpitts sent me this, labelled "Kerry Kantona". I don't know how he can be so cruel to lovely warm-hearted Kerry.

And I absolutely LOVE this one, from Claire, "I am proud to present - Bob Marley the beetroot - dreads and all." 

And this is the Strictly Come Dancing judging committee as reconfigured for 2009 sans Arlene Phillips, but expressed in plums. The level of sophistication involved in the creation of this work should already have told you that it could only have come from the hand of one single maker, Mr James Alexander-Sinclair.

ART AND DESIGN 2: BEST PAPARAZZI SHOT OF MATTHEW WILSON (SNIFF) CHRIS BEARDSHAW OR SIMILAR

We might as well call this the Arabella Sock challenge cup, but I leave it open to all so that we can enjoy the fruits of your many communal hours spent stalking gardening faves round Chelsea etc. Rather than actually, er, looking at plants. 

The Emma Townshend photobanks are depressingly poor in paparazzi shots, I have really let myself down this year. The only one I could find is this one of an out-of-focus Joe Swift chatting up a moose. Hopefully it will inspire you to do better.

Emma Cooper did slightly better with this shot of James Wong at Kew's day in celebration of ethnobotany. She added, "And I'm now wishing I took a photo of Alys while I was at the Master Composter conference ;)". She is so dedicated. Have I mentioned she's written a book? 

A brilliant entry now from Rachel, aka Rothschild Orchid from Wisteria and Cow Parsley.

This is actually titled "Wong Tickle" which I think is just RO trying to name her pic appropriately, but it made me laugh! Perhaps we should have a separate James Wong category, I'm starting to think...

And her other one, as she says, is "that wonderful man in a hat". Ahhh.

And now an entry from the man in the hat himself, entitled, I think quite rightly, "Cleve West: the Dark Side." I think there had been some disagreement about who'd already said allium. 

This one is entitled "Carol Klein and Jelly from CBeebies". I would like to know how Mr Alexander-Sinclair even knows about Jelly from CBeebies, but I guess he must be getting up to something in his office, it doesn't take all day to design gardens. 

Ms Sock's entry, as you might have guessed from the Beardshaw slant... Tee hee. 

Another from the Sock camp; Ha ha, I am suddenly having visions of James-as-Simon-Cowell ha ha ha ha

Friday 21st, update

As usual, this category is proving to be a firm favourite. Today, two from Ms B, one of James A-S looking "thoughtful" (I'm sure that can't really happen in real life) and one of Joe and Rachella de Ville. 

And finally there's this one which claims to be a photo of none other than me (on the right)! Here is the blurb, from James A-S: 'Could it be?
No, surely not... not her. Not shaking her booty to disco dance music. Not up after the News at Ten......
Yes, I do believe it is Miss Emma Townshend herself.
The Parish of Emsworth's much admired parish councillor, dog warden, postmistress, church warden, stalwart of the flower arranging and organ polishing committees, meals-on-wheels operative, soup maker to the workhouse, leader of the folk dancing group and bellringer.
Whatever next? the vicar in a crack den? Mr Plumpton the parish clerk cottaging? or Miss Fieldmouse the washerwoman in bed with Pete Doherty?
Shouldn't be allowed'
Claiming to be me? I very much doubt it. Though that does look significantly like Mrs Joe Swift on the left. I admit to going with that illustrious woman a few weeks ago for tea and scones at Blackpitts... then I believe there was a suggestion of going for a nice country walk, and I can't remember very much after that, but I doubt Mrs Swift would have taken advantage of my post-tea haze to invite me to go raving. Would she? 

Update, 24th August

Mr Alexander-Sinclair has come up with an explanation. He writes, " 

Phew. I've just realised that Miss Townshend was only there in her capacity as tireless St John's Ambulance volunteer. Here she is preparing to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre on Ann-Marie Powell."

Then there's one from Happy Mouffetard. As she says, "Finally (for today at least), an entry for the Paparazzi class - I don't know why News of the World didn't snap me up years ago. (It's Joe Swift, in case you can't tell.)"

And now four from Victoria: 

One, she says, for the Sock:

One, she says, 'For Zoe":  (so thoughtful)

I like to think this one is for me:

Joe and Alan look like they are ushers at a wedding. They have that super smart / lounging about vibe.  

But I am afraid the judging committee is going to look rather askance at all these pictures of me, I don't understand how anyone can possibly think they are of interest to anyone except in recording the annual waxing and waning of the Townshend arse. Let me reiterate: Best Paparazzi Shot of Matthew Wilson or Similar. Not Emma Townshend or Similar. Harumph. 

29th August update

What a treat! James A-S thoughtfully sent this which has cheered me up no end. He writes, "I thought you better have at least one photo of Matthew Wilson. The Landscape Man dreaming of wild moorland and pliant ovines. (with the gorgeous Nina from the Malvern Show)."  

And this one made me laugh and laugh because it's EXACTLY the kind of photo I take. From New Shoot, in her words: "My next is a combination of categories - the pap snap and the artistic licence… which is my way of saying I'm rubbish at taking 'quick-on-the-draw' photos. Alan Titchmarsh, Beth Chatto and a very rude lysichiton."

Some more Sockeration! 

This one is tactfully entitled "Alys gurning" :-)

And these two, my dears, speak for themselves. She is a very, very BAD sock!!!

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE

another snap with full Sockability, this one from VP. Thank goodness they put that little screen there for him so he doesn't have to remember what to say and have to try and walk at the same time. 

ART AND DESIGN 3: YOUR GARDEN CAPTURED IN ART

There are so many artistic types writing blogs these days that the committee thought it would be fun to add a new category. The entry details require your garden to be captured in photography, paint, drawing, pastels, or even new-fangled art media such as 'video'. 

Express yourselves!

The Sock has sent this, suggesting "It is a total cheat as I ran a picture of part of the garden through a photoshop filter and that is what it came up with. It is quite an interesting effect though." I like it, it makes my eyes go slightly squinty and feel as if I was looking at the garden from inside a pond, as if I were a fish. Mmmmmm.

This is from Mark, it has made me giggle, he says, "a simple photograph (which surely has to count as art?) catching the great and the good checking out how much of ‘Veg Patch’ I really grow…"

Now there's some fine paintings, which of course are not done justice in Jpegs but there we go. They come from Victoria, who says: "These are by my son Rory of my garden. I feel a bit shy about sending them in because of course I'm his Mum and I think they're wonderful. I thought of putting them on my blog and saying he was available for commissions. He starts his fine art degree at Kingston next month.
As you can see, one is of the Pinus montezumae and the other is of the bananas (Musa basjoo) at the end of the garden."

And look at this, from the even more multi-talented than we previously realised VP. She says, "These are the garden notebooks I started for my KLC course a while ago. Guess where the photo was taken..... yes not only is my garden captured in 'art', I also captured my 'art' in the garden ;)". 

FINAL UPDATE

Ms B sent this: it's from her 'tomato period'. :-)

And an important correction: Mr Alexander-Sinclair is very offended that I didn't understand this "Jaffa Cake Bridge (temporary installation)" is in fact an art work in the garden, not a garden ornament in very bad taste. Well honestly, I think this just demonstrates how extremely hard it is to know what's art, and what's not, in this day and age.

Yours, the Committee.

MEDICAL: BEST GARDEN RELATED INJURY

You're in your garden, and you say to yourself, "Wow, here I am just wafting about being nearly as lovely and pretty as a princess in a fairy tale!" And then you get bitten on the leg. And it swells up within minutes to a size most fabulous. We want a photo and the full story, please. 

Amanda Hill forwarded the first entry. Which you will have to admit sets a pretty high standard. She says, "This is a picture of the reaction I had to a blackfly bite I sustained on my forearm in May (I did wonder at the time why I bothered taking the photo - now I know!). The blackflies here are a bit more vicious than the ones you get in Emsworth and as a new immigrant I haven't built up any resistance to whatever it is the little blighters inject. My arm looked like Popeye's for about a week. Luckily blackflies are only with us for three weeks or so in late spring. Otherwise I'd be back on the plane to England in a jiffy."

Helen the patient gardener sent us this, pointing out "we must remember that medical problems can be mental as well as physical and mine are definately mental, oh and financial!!".

6th Sept - FINAL UPDATE 


Mr James A-S sent this, "This is my thumb. Although the injury is not exactly visible to the naked eye I wish to enter it into the garden injuries section. This weekend that same thumb was stung at least twice by a nettle and was also hit by a falling brick. Will that do or do I have to get the strimmer out?".

This seems very weedy to me. What does anyone else think?

Finally, a proper injury from Anna at Green Tapestry. She writes, "Here is my entry for the best garden related injury - a bite from some evil creature last weekend - I felt it but did not get a close look at the offender. I did sustain a nastier injury when I fell out of our front door into the porch a couple of days before the bite. I had been out late at night snail hunting and dropped my torch as I came in. I turned round and bent down to retrieve it but toppled over as I did so through the front door into the porch. I badly bruised and scraped both knees but was too busy groaning and applying a packet of frozen peas to aforesaid injuries to take a photo."

ALLOTMENT SHOWOFF 1: PLATE OF SIX TOMATOES

ha ha ha (evil laugh) 

this is one category I actually consider myself to be in with a chance on this year. 

Watch out.... 

I've only got five! I've only got five! I'm changing the rules!!

Mr Alexander-Sinclair's tomatoes, from Blackpitts. Oh, he always has to be so arty. 

From Lottie, this lovely vine of seven is a good one because she says"Whispers..... Saved seed from a very yummy tomato bought from Asda of all places!". Top Class!  

Jane of the Guardian and Horticultural sends in these, yummmmmm.

 She says, "First up in the tomatoes on a plate category is my effort, entitled "I did get a B in maths GCSE honestly" owing to the fact that there are seven, not six tomatoes here. In my defence, two of them are so tiny as to count as one, and I was also a little tired and emtional after England's Ashes win and may not have been thinking straight when I plated my offering. Tomato wonks (if there is such a thing) may be interested to know that the biggest specimen is Peremoga, the stripey ones are Spike, the plum tomatoes are Maglia Rosa, the small tomato on the left is Sub Arctic Plenty and the other is unidentified (my daughter had some fun with the labels, ho hum ...)" 

Update, 29th August 




Aaahhh, look at this entry from Dawn at Little Green Fingers, it really makes me smile! She writes, "I have an entry for the plate of 6 tomatoes - I checked the small print and
could see no hard and fast rules on colour, so I have exploited the loophole (red tomatoes are as rare as a decent night's sleep round here)." For those with similar green-only problems, Dawn has a good green tomato chutney recipe on her blog at the moment. 

6th Sept final update

Helen the Patient Gardener with a wonderful late entry: "I think I have missed the deadline but just got back from my hols and discovered 6 ripe tomatos - at last. So here is my contribution. They are Tigerella, Czech's Excellent Yellow, Gartenperle, San Marzano." Oooh I like those yellow ones.

And this platter from Frugilegus. I love the caption, "6 tomatoes on a plate. Can't remember what type they are right now, but I like them because they have thin skins you can see their fleshy innards through, and pointy bottoms."
I can honestly say that these could win the prize for the most like they came from Tescos - look at the uniformity!!!!

Easygardener from Greenforks sent these, apologising for the calligraphy, but I LOVE labelled tomatoes, what a treat to know what you're looking at. 

And Ms B sent these, yum yum yum. I'm loving all the yellow ones. 

These from Mr Cleve West, which I had admired on his blog. Rarely have blighted tomatoes looked quite so eerily beautiful.... 

And then Esther sent these. "This is my entry for an un-defined number of tomatoes on a plate. (I got Lucy Corrander to take the photo for me.) As you may notice, the tomatoes are not yet on a plate. This is because they aren't ripe. I can send you a photo of the plate I may put them on when they are ready to pick, if you would like. They are Tomato il Pantano Romansco - which accounts for their strange shape. The shape makes one reluctant to take the first bite but it's worth it. The flavour is wonderful. So is the texture. (Will be if ever the sun comes out to move them beyond dark green!)." Esther I think we all know the feeling at the moment.

ALLOTMENT SHOWOFF 2: PLATE OF FRUIT

They could be mixed. They could be of one type only. They must be perfect!! And on a doily! Or points will be deducted!!

PS I don't care what they told you in school a tomato is not a fruit for the purposes of this competition. 

So Mark Diacono demonstrates he understands the definition of a fruit. He says "a plate of 5 fruit. Not only that, 5 berries - strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, mulberries, wineberries." We consequently look forward to a River Cottage Fruit Growing book in the near future!!

He does add, though, "Firstly I realise there’s not plate, but I hoped you’d allow me to include a chair as the repository for said quintet. And secondly I hope you’ll allow me an unironed tea towel in place of a doily. In my defence it was Sunday night, the shops were shut and I didn’t want the fruit to spoil. To balance this out I’ve included a pair of each fruit. I hope the judging panel will look upon this kindly." Hmmph. Well, I will have to consult with the others, frankly. It doesn't say anything about teatowels in the RHS handbook.  

Ooh, but here's a challenger for the Otter Farm Fruit Platter! it's Blackpitts! With "A selection of fruit arranged minimally in the style of Christopher Bradley-Hole."

29th August, update 

Veg Plotting!!! Honestly!!! She writes: "Oops I did it again. Just like last year, I seem to have eaten my entry! They were rather scrummy plums - Victorias of course ;)"

And Victoria [corrected! Sorry!] sent these: "Here's my pathetic entry for the Plate of Fruit category. The blackberry variety is 'Oregon Thornless' which we chose because it has quite pretty leaves."

6th Sept Final Update

Simon swoops in at the last minute with these.... Will you look at those grapes! His account: "Allotment showoff 2: Plate of fruit - apples, plums, raspberries, blackberries, grapes. Also all off the plot today."

And Easygardener at Greenforks sent these, "The only two fruits I grow manage to grow without any help from me. Last year the pears mysteriously disappeared before picking. This year there was an electrified fence :-). "

Frances from Faire Gardens sent these, isn't it gorgeous? "A plate of figs with nasturtium blooms." Ah, for the climate of Tennessee! 

Vp back for one more go! "Here's a sneak preview of one of my entries for this year's allotment show. In the best traditions of fruit and veg exhibitors, I'm touting my stuff round more than one of them! These are my Scrumptious apples: that's their taste AND name :D"

MR Cleve West sent these, looking almost as pretty, ripened in deepest Teddington, as their Tennessee counterparts. 

And this from Frugilegus, who says, "Here's an entry for the jolly old show: Category Allotment (well, windowsill ,but hopefully it still counts) Showoff 2: Plate of fruit. Please note presence of both plate and doily, included as a mark of the respect I have for the judges and Emsworth rules. (hoping points don't get deducted for sycophancy...). I regret that it's not a very arty shot, but I didn't have time to fart about: the little alpine strawberries were pumping out their "eat-me" scent, and I had to comply." Teee heee.




One from Wisteria and Cow Parsley, "ALLOTMENT SHOWOFF 2: PLATE OF FRUIT I was hoping for lots of wonderful apples to display proudly, unfortunately the goats seem to have eaten all those that are reachable so I could find were a few apples, some elderberries, and a couple of greengages to offer. But they are on a lace doiley!". Hmmm. But they are in a basket.

ALLOTMENT SHOW OFF 3: PLATE OF MIXED VEG, FIVE KINDS

This is really a category reserved for the crème de la crème of allotment show offs, the Lia Leendertzs, Mark Diaconos and Veg Plottings of this world. If you think what you've got what it takes to go up against this kind of quality, submit your platter....

Lottie sent this, which she does admit, "is not on a plate and it's mixed fruit, veg and flowers. Just wanted to show off my haul really ;o." Lottie, we salute your growing. Especially those beans!  

A top class Canadian platter from Amanda, who says, "I went foraging in the garden yesterday evening to see what I could come up with for the 'Plate of Mixed Veg' category. The resultant arrangement is a pleasing mix, I think you'll agree, of traditional allotment fare and the slightly more exotic. For the record they are: Super Red 80 Cabbage, Florence Fennel, Tomato Pepper, Chantenay Red Core Carrot, Ping Tung Aubergine." I am totally green with envy, apart from the bit where she has to put up with Ontario winters.

A good range from Happy Mouffetard, who writes, "Also attached is the entry for "allotment show-off: 5 veg". I expect I get points removed for dirt, but I think it adds a certain something. Probably grittiness." Look at the sweetcorn. Her post about it has just made me salivate uncontrollably. 

29th August, update

Karen from An Artist's Garden sent this lovely pic, remarking: "While I realize that this category is reserved for the crème de la crème of allotment growers, I thought that perhaps I could just sneak this one in under their radar :)" 

6th Sept Final update

Frugilegus sent this, I especially like the lavender and the nasturtiums, makes it soooo pretty. The authro writes "The first is for Patio Container Showoff 3, Plate of mixed veg, 5 kinds. Shown are some late French beans, Padron peppers, Burgess Buttercup Squash, Cucumber (Marketmore), and Black Beauty Aubergines. They are not in the same league as your other fine entries, but I thought I'd send them anyway as I'm quite pleased to have five vegetables at all."

"

Look at this! Simon brings new added depth to the term "allotment showoff" by sending in a photo of his entire homegrown dinner. With one important exception. He says: "Allotment showoff 3: Plate of mixed veg - my dinner tonight - all off the plot - carrots, potatoes, runner beans, peas, onions, lettuce, tomatoes. Ok that's more than five. Just showing off. (I didn't grow the salmon. Not yet.)"

And then Easygardener at Greenforks sent this, saying " Possibly too much green to be artistic?"...  But how can anything be too green???

And from Lia L, this model of restraint and simplicity! She says, "how could i not enter allotment show off? Here is my plate of five veg. French bean 'Trail of Tears', Tomato 'Latah', Cucumber 'Miniature white', and sweetcorn 'Ashworth'. The potato fell foul of one of those slack 'i'll come back and label that later' moments, so i have no idea what it is." 

:-)

Finally, here's one from Wisteria and Cow Parsley. "ALLOTMENT SHOW OFF 3: PLATE OF MIXED VEG, FIVE KINDS. This is my haul from yesterday. More cabbages and kolrabi than I know what to do with, beetroot, marrows, potatoes, french beans, runner beans and sweetpeas." 

And one last one from Anna who my Hotmail decided was a vile woman who must be rejected at every turn, and who eventually had to send all her entries via VP (thanks Veep). She said, "First an entry for a plate of mixed vegetables. I think that this may attract a dreaded NAS card as it is not a plate :)"

Luckily, I don't even know what an NAS card is, but I'm going to find out as it is sure to be a good way of threatening people and making them do what I want. 

ALLOTMENT SHOW OFF 4: MOST MISSHAPEN VEGETABLE

It may not make you proud to grow a monster that looks nothing like those photogenic organisms appearing on the pages of Carol Klein's Grow your own veg. But it makes us laugh. And that's the main thing. 

Amanda Hill admits very honestly, "It's not from this year, I will admit, but I'd like the parsnip to have a wider audience." Jesus, I suspect it's a genetically modified octoparsnip.

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE

This from Claire, "the potato duck with a lump on it's bum". !  

And then one from VP, who writes " Not as good as last year's potato, but that parsnip you've had on here for weeks is looking rather lonely." Ahhh. So thoughtful.

Easygardener at Greenforks sent this, and check out her site for some more unfortunate vegetable accidents actually! She writes, "Misshapen veg - I think this carrot looks like a man with a big......nose."

Ahem.



Two from Juliet, who writes, "Clearly nothing is going to compete with Amanda's octoparsnip, but I thought it looked a bit lonely, so I'm providing it with some company. A coy carrot and an unabashed tomato - I don't know, it hasn't even had the grace to blush!". EXTREMELY rude.

And Lia's entry for most misshapen veg comes with the simple but hilarious label "Mushroom Beetroot". 

Anna from Green Tapestry sent this, adding most delicately, "I hope that you are not a lady of sensitive disposition and that I am not lowering the tone of the show, by sending my carrot as an entry in for the most misshapen vegetable class. I do so in true Esther Rantzen tradition." It's lucky she mentions Esther as otherwise we would have thought she was extremely low-rent.

And my mum sent this, with a classic bit of labelling I feel.... "strange beauty all of its own class, rather a classy class, possibly one you haven't actually got, i can't remember now."

ALLOTMENT SHOW OFF 5: PRETTIEST BEETROOT OR OTHER VEG

Cropping. Time to maturity. Good 'Heritage'. Flavour. 

These are the sorts of superficial qualities with which modern growing is obsessed. Wouldn't it be nice to go back to the good old days of the 1970s, when what a vegetable looked like was what really mattered? The prize here will go to the home-grown veg that looks the most like it came from Tescos. 

These Waitrose-quality beetroot come from last year's title holder, Mark D. I like his Nigel Slater photography touch with the knife, he knows how to get us middle class people interested.

And some more sickeningly perfect root veg in this shot of radishes. It's like a Waitrose-magazine cover shot! Yes, my friend, Mark has set the standard very, very high.

Update, Aug 17th
Now we find out the real truth, I hacked into Mark's email this morning and found the following evidence of his evil plotting: "In a brazen attempt to ‘lifestyle’ the Allotment show off 5 award out of the judges hands, here’s a cunningly focused pic of my three year old Nelly with a freshly picked beetroot clasped against her Country Living style dress. Can’t you just smell the good life?! I can almost hear those middle class urbanites loading up their cars and heading into the sunset towards their new pastoral existence". Terrible man.

HANDICRAFTS 1:RANDOM HOMEMADE THING SUCH AS KNITTEN WOOLLEN HAT, BABY MITTS, GARDEN BLOGGER OR SIMILAR

This was a category dominated last year by craft devotee Veg Plotting. Someone this year at least give her a run for her money, puuurrllleeeeze. 

Well Emma Cooper has got in there early with a strong challenge. I actually received one of these cards on the recent publication of Emma's book (did I mention she has written a book?) and they are very fine. They also came with free seed! Of an allium!

VP pitches in with, oooh, look at that scarf, that's what we all need for these chilly days of, er, summer. She says "Here's an Award Winning Blogger with scarf. The wool's called Lush, which says it all." I also believe this passes all tests for Koran-approval veiling of the beauteous face of VP, which is very appropriate because today's the first day of Ramadan. 

Update, 29th August

Cor, Dawn from Little Green Fingers has got her kids to give VP and Emma C a good run for their money! She writes, "my children were slightly curious as to what I was doing taking photos of underripe fruit so have decided to submit their own entries to the handicrafts category. So you have 5 year-old Ava's relatively cute but slightly tape-heavy pom-pom
caterpillar and her far more concerning 'bird house for miniature puffin' complete with cat repelling pipecleaners. My 4-year-old Oscar opted for his pressed flower bookmarks (he's very in touch with his feminine side...)." 

The committee would like to give Ava particularly commendation for those cat-repelling pipe-cleaners, that is very considerate. And how gorgeous are those bookmarks? She could put that boy to work, he's probably old enough. 

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE 

Frances from Faire Gardens

sent this, ahhhh! " A lamb I made from lamb's ear, Stachys byzantina using a glue gun and a peppercorn for the eyes." That is so creative!

And this from Claire Potter, who says"one of my cresties - a random alien thing". :-)

Continuing the alien theme (weirdly, by some X Files type coincidence, or is it???) 

Ms B sent this, "Handmade Alien Headwear". I don't know the story behind this particular invention, but I'm guessing that somewhere there is a small child who was made very, very happy by this.

And Lottie sent these, some signs she made for the lottie. I love this kind of thing, I have to admit. 

GARDEN ORNAMENT THAT GOES WELL BEYOND THE BOUNDS OF GOOD TASTE

A self-explanatory category. It just needs to be bad, very very bad. It may well not be yours. It may belong to your darling next-door-neighbour. Just send us a pic. Remember, we love to share. 

In fact let me start with my own find. This is in a village somewhere in Sussex, and I think it's pretty good. Good meaning bad. 

From the lovely Ms M, comes this... A cooperative effort, as you will hear, with NAH: "I popped out yesterday to take a picture of the ultimate bog garden round the corner, only to find I've been thwarted - they've moved and someone with good taste has moved in! So instead I'm giving you a taster of a street of gardens I found in Wales. NAH took this picture for me the last time he was there. Unfortunately he wasn't quite right in his timing: most of the ornaments you see are solar powered. Not only that, a lot of them change colour! In a way seeing these gardens in the dark is an improvement: lots of lights winking away and changing colour is quite reassuring and friendly when you poke your head out of the window to check all is well with the world before retiring to bed."

For god's sakes, where will the world be if "people with good taste" are just going to take it upon themselves to move in and start smartening things up

6th Sept Final update



Helen the Patient Gardener says of this monstrosity: "Also attached is a photo for the ugly ornament category. This was in the garden when we bought the house but I just havent got the heart to chuck it away. Every time I go to I see those big eyes and give in. So he is sitting in a corner." Awwww doggie.

James A-S sent this, with the caption, "Jaffa Cake Bridge of mossy chasm. (Temporary installation)." 

I fail to see what could possibly be in bad taste about having some nice Jaffa Cakes secreted around the garden for when you might need a little pick-me-up, but there we go.

This one comes from Wisteria and Cow Parsley who nearly got run over crossing an A road to take the photo, but hopefully all will agree her near-death experience was entirely worth it.

Ms B sent this, adding, "not sure if gnomes are 'in' or 'out' at the moment, but this chap has lurked in our garden for a number of years".

NIGELLAS WITH ATTITUDE 1: PRESERVES BEAUTY CONTEST

For the most beautiful jam, conserve or other such item. We think last year VP won this but we're not even sure. Shucks. Record keeping around here has really gone downhill. 

So VP has promptly sent in her entry, but at least now the rest of us all know what we are up against (unless this is a cunning and elaborate double bluff and she is going to produce an even more beautiful jar of jam at the last minute.)

She says: "Right, you asked for it!

(Cue seductive music...)

This isn't just raspberry jam, this is Hugh's [FW - ed] prize-winning raspberry fridge jam...

Not only that, it's 680g of loveliness, not your usual 340g jarful. Feast your eyes on that joyful redness, the even spread of pips through the jar, the only-made-it-last-week freshness of it all and weep."

Here's a jammy contender! Amanda from Someone Else's Kitchen sent these, with the following:
"The picture is for the Preserves Beauty Contest and shows my memorial to the twin towers of the lost World Trade Center, in the form of jars of Dundee Marmalade, with the early morning sun shining through them on a cold, snowy February morning. (You'll notice that I've deliberately made the orange rind pieces rise to the top of the jars to emphasise the glorious amber colour in the lower halves.)"

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE



Claire sent this, of which she says, "a bit old, but was very tasty.". Hmmm. That doesn't seem a statement worthy of the domestic goddess. A bit old but very tasty? Claire clearly lives in no fear of the botulism. On the other hand, perhaps a bit old but very tasty is the perfect description of Nigella.

And this is from Lia L, who says, "Here is my beautiful, beautiful pot of redcurrant jelly, glowing in the sun". There's absolutely nothing like the pride you feel when you have jam on a shelf that you made yourself.

NIGELLAS WITH ATTITUDE 2: VICTORIA SANDWICH

This year, in a twist on the conventional instructions, we would like a Victoria Sandwich which pays tribute to your favourite Victoria. It could be Queen Victoria. It could be the fine blogging powers of my colleague Victoria.  Just make that cake earn its keep. 

Even amongst the genius of the Emsworth Show, there are further levels of genius. This is one of them. Check this out, from Happy Mouffetard. She says "I've now completed the entry for the Victoria sandwich - it's "Victoria's Secret" sandwich. I did toy with the idea of a Victoria Beckham sandwich but decided that Posh Spice and cakes were mutually incompatible.". Teee heee! It's brilliant! Can you top it?????

29th August, update

Just when we thought it couldn't be beaten, Lia L comes in with a wicked entry.... look at this!! She writes, "This is my faithful depiction of Balmoral Castle, favourite haunt of one Queen Victoria, in chocolate cake (please note the jelly baby sentries detailing). I baked it especially for Emsworth, of course, and then all these hungry looking children in party outfits mysteriously appeared." Well, that can happen.

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE

Now of course it should be clear by now that the Emsworth Show has a suitably relaxed attitude to 'rules' for a show that was taken to Woodstock Festival in its carrycot.

But I hope no one accuses me of too much bending when i submit this entry, some cupcakes made by my mum's godchild Gabriel, who is really good at icing IMHO.


And Vp had to keep up a fine old tradition of trying to enter every category, hence these, "is this the ultimate Victoria Sandwich? 3 luscious beauties, full of plumptiousness."

NIGELLAS WITH ATTITUDE 3: BEST FAT RASCAL

Matthew "lustful sigh" Wilson has a new TV series coming out this September, for those of you who don't stalk him 24-7. I therefore declare the committee's avowed intention to celebrate this by holding a one-time-only Fat Rascal baking contest in his honour. Here's the recipe. 

Extra points for the vanilla-scented mascarpone, obv. 

How COOL is Happy Mouffetard????? Look what she has done!!! She comments, "I can report to Fat Rascal (the real one) that having eaten one (cannibalism?) they are like a stodgy rock cake and quite hard going. or perhaps that's just mine. I'm currently working on the Victoria Sponge - could get messy."

Stodgy? hard going? That must be what the vanilla-wafted mascarpone is for! 

24th august update

I can't believe the effort going in Fat Rascal making around the country, especially when it appears to be the case that they aren't actually the world's best cake. Hurrah for all you Emsworthians! 

Helen just sent this one, these look amaaaazing. She says, though, "Here is my entry for the Best Fat Rascals. As you can see I only just managed to take a pic before forever hungry teenage son spotted them. They say they are yum with butter." She clearly never even got to find out! She may be the Patient Gardener, but she should clearly be a teeny bit less patient when it comes to eating homemade cake.

And now Victoria has pitched in with a baking effort: "This is my attempt at Fat Rascals. I'm indebted to Happy Mouffetard for her comment that they were a bit stodgy, as it made me look carefully at the recipe. It seemed to me there wasn't enough fat for 10 ounces of flour, so I added another ounce of butter, and then another one for luck. I've never eaten a Fat Rascal before, but they're rather nice (although I think just one would be enough to feed a family of four for a week). Aaargh, I can't believe I'm taking this so seriously! Competitions really bring out the worst in me. I'll have to have another read of Karen's fabulous comic and lighten up."

Another lovely entry, this time from Dobby. She writes: "Having been inspired by all the other entries, I have been desperately trying to find a category to enter. But, I don't grow veg and as a new garden, I don't have much in the way of flowers. Also, there is no way I wanted to be in competition with Karen at An Artists Garden (as if that would be even possible). Oh dear, what could I do? The cat wouldn't stay still long enough to dress up as a pig or a chicken, but I do like baking. So, my entry is attached. I leave it to you to decide if it is a very strange looking pig, or a Fat Rascal. As can be seen, the cat enjoyed it!! Why is it that when you want a cake to rise it doesn't and when you want it to keep the shape you so lovingly created, it rises and expands it all directions? From Dobby."

Hmm I think we all know the feeling about the rising..... A lovely entry!

FLORAL ACHIEVEMENT 1: A SUMMER BOUQUET FOR RACHEL DE THAME

Last year I asked participants to create a bouquet in the style of Sarah Raven. This year we go one better and create a floral tribute to that loveliest and most fragrant of TV presenters, Rachella Duckface De Thame. 

29th August update
Two wonderful entries at once, firstly, from Karen, An Artist's Garden (UK). She writes, "As you can see – I have scoured my garden for fragrant lovelies and included in the arrangement are Pinks, Rose, Lavender. From the English country garden amongst other things, I include, verbascum, hardy geranium, lavatera, dried poppy seed heads, nigella. I also include fuchsia, in a blatant attempt to curry favour with a certain judge. I have set my arrangement against that quintessential sign of an english summer, a rain spattered window on a damp grade 11 listed windowsill." Such a beautiful bouquet. 

And Helen the Patient Gardener, last year's victorious title-holder, sent this: "I was in two minds to enter as I didnt think I had much pink and fluffy in the garden but having spoken to Karen last night and seen her post I thought I had better try and defend my crown! So here is my bouquet which has a Lily and a rose in it and before VP and Karen claim I have cheated using shop bought roses I can confirm that the white rose in this picture is from my garden which is why it looks abit moth eaten. I havent used any of the roses I was given by my blind date - honest."  Gorrgggeous. Just like Rachel herself. 

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE

from Claire Potter, who writes: "some lovely sweet peas" for lovely Rachel.  

And blimey, what about this for a gorgeous bunch. Rothschild Orchid from Wisteria and Cow Parsley sent this, though she claims she didn't have much to do with the making of it.

"Stilton has been busying himself with making a bouquet for the FLORAL ACHIEVEMENT 1: A SUMMER BOUQUET FOR RACHEL DE THAME. He says he was influenced by that lovely border she made in the GW special. He got lots of beautiful dark flowers such as dahlia's and chocolate cosmos', then added a few blowsy roses and pale cosmos flowers for that girly touch and then when he thought it was looking like a rather lovely bunch of flowers he quickly went down the hay meadow and picked lots of grasses and smothered it with them!".

Well, for a cat he is really good at flower arranging.

FLORAL ACHIEVEMENT 2: BEST THING I GREW FROM SEED THIS YEAR

This is rather an open category, but it allows the widest of possible interpretations. We want to see the very best thing, in your humble opinion, you grew from seed this growing season. Or which has flowered for the first time this growing season if germinated earlier. Oh, we're not that strict - just send us the pics.

The best thing I grew from seed this year is arguably the best thing I always grow, this Echium pinniana. I started off with a packet my aunt got me from the Scillies more than ten years ago and now I mostly have flowers every year. Odd-numbered years still aren't quite as spectacular as even-numbered, so I can't move house before summer 2010. 

Emma Cooper sent this: "Quinoa flowers, very impressive and hopefully the precursor to something edible." As even organic shop Quinoa normally comes from Bolivia I would be very impressed if she could grow it in south-east England. And if this actually ripens, it looks as if its these little seed you actually eat. I should ask Emma. Actually, she knows such a lot, she should probably write a book. Oh! She has! I would have thought I'd have already mentioned that.

.

From Blackpitts comes this: 

"I am really not very good at growing things from seed. I decided a while ago that I couldn't manage everything so dropped the following skills from my repertoire: snowboarding (and all other winter based sports except gentle skating), neurosurgery, breeding of prize winning cats, truffle hunting, the playing of any sort of musical instrument (including harmonica and stylophone), marathon running, cobbling and growing things from seed.** Things are grown from seed around here but mainly by my talented and lovely wife.
However, this year I have made an exception and grown Persicaria orientalis: a plant about which many blog inches were written after the RHS Inner Temple Show. I won the seeds in a VP based competition and, as they had come from Great Dixter I thought I would give it a go. I had fifty seeds of which I germinated three. Not a very impressive record but I am rather proud of them.
They are planted with Persicaria amplexicaulis Alba and Calmagrostis Karl Foerster.

**the list is a great deal longer than this but I feared that I was getting very dull - as opposed to just dull which is my default setting."

Now I remember the competition as set up by VP and I want to know if she got any of hers to germinate. 

24th August update

Ah, here's one from Victoria, growing in her backyard. She says, "First pic is of a nasturtium, 'Strawberries and Cream' which I grew this year from seed, actually managed to plant out and is now flowering in my garden. Can't quite believe it."

And look at these! They were grown by a cake! The bun speaks: "Coooeee Ems, My first entry, best thing from seed. A Ricinus, can't remember which one, possibly Carmencita red. It's already as tall as Mr Beardshaw and unlike him, still growing! Best of luck with the show! Sarah aka Fat Rascal." We love it. Beautiful, and with a a Beardshaw joke into the bargain. Value.

29th August, update 

Helen the Patient Gardener writes: "As you know I am a seedaholic but these are two plants that I am particularly proud of this year. First is my Lobelia cardinalis - I actually grew these from seed last year but it has taken thm a year to really bulk up and produce these gorgeous flower spikes with little or no slug damage. Second is my Galtonia - Again these were sown last year and the seedling was just a couple of whispy leaves. I then forgot about them until leaves started to appear in the pot this year. The leaves got fatter and lusher and then a flower spike appeared. Fab, quick plant it out. There were actually two but I knocked one off the shelving unit on the patio when it was still in a pot and the flower spike snapped off! Never mind I have planted it out too so hopefully next year they will be even bigger and better."

I can't believe she grew a Galtonia from seed, I'm amazed if I can get one to flower from a big fat bulb I always have such a struggle with the slugs.

And Karen, from An Artist's Garden, sent this absolutely goooooorrrrrgeous photo. She says, "This is my Angelica sylvest Purpurea, which I grew from seed supplied by derry watkins, as I biennial, it seems to have taken ages to reach the point of flowering, I quite like it – and so do the wasps."  

I know Marina Christopher always recommends this one as a favourite with hoverflies etc.

New Shoot sent this, gorgeous. She writes: "Best thing from seed, subcategory of entry: Three-way Persicaria Challenge! It's a really difficult plant to photograph - particularly as the stems are really skinny and don't show up. I reckon mine are better than James A-S's though - even though my photos don't deserve to be on the same page as his…and I definitely beat VP as her seeds are still in the packet!!"

She goes on to earn extra brownie points for cultivational info: "The plants weren't weren't very inspiring at first. I nurtured them for ages, but they were so pathetic at planting time the gardeners only put them in the border out of pity for me I think! Very weedy little six inch high specimens went in the ground, they had to be lovingly hand-cleaned from a plague of aphids by one of my wonderful volunteers brandishing damp kitchen roll. However, look now! Taller than me (although not very difficult at 5ft 2) They grew slowly, and kept on growing, and kept on growing and still haven't stopped yet. The gorgeous dark dahlia in case anyone is interested (and knowing your readership of course they all are!) is Chat Noir."

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE 

Elizabeth M writes, "The sunflower was grown from a freebie packet that came with a magazine. I have long since thrown the packet away so have no idea what it is but I love the colour. 

"The echinacea is the first successful thing I have grown using my new heated propagator. For reasons which I don't understand quite a lot of the things I sowed came up and then immediately keeled over but the echinacea produced five lovely little seedlings which grew to three nice solid healthy plants. They are flowering away now and I love them to bits. Maternal pride.

"The sweet peas are a mixture of an old fashioned variety and some Sarah Raven seeds sent to me by a fellow blogger (Zoe of Garden Hopping). They smell divine and are flowering fit to burst."

What a lovely lot of blooms.

I love this category. Even though I invented it. But I love seeing what everyone got down to this year, what everyone views as an achievement. From Mr Mark D, Otter Farm, it's tiny gherkins!! They are straight out of Richard Scarry! 

And from VP, the following message which made me smile.... "Right, seeing I didn't realise there'd be a tough Persicaria sub-category in this year's competition, I thought I'd redeem myself by entering these velvety Nasturtiums from my allotment. They've self-seeded themselves each year and the ordinary orange/yellow mix of my original planting is now throwing up some gorgeous deep reds to add some variety to the mix. Also my Sturon onion crop's hiding in there somewhere."

And Simon sent in a whole load of gorgeous pics. He writes, "Actually I couldn't choose a best thing, so in the best vegetable from seed sub-category that I've just made up I'd like to enter my peas and also my Greyhound cabbages; then in the best flowers from seed sub-category that I've just made up my carnations and snapdragons. I hope I win something or I'll cry." 

Uhoh! But on the upside I'm sure that just means he's fully in touch with his feminine side. my favourite is those glorious Carnations, how lovely are they?

AND FINALLY.... FLORAL ACHIEVEMENT 3: THE MINIATURE GARDEN

All those who know the committee members know their utmost respect for that finest pinnacle of that Matterhorn which is floral art.... The Making of a Miniature Garden. 

This year the committee have decided to set a themed miniature garden, under the title, "The Garden I Would Have Claimed For Under Expenses Had I Been Myself A Member of Parliament". Run wild, my dear friends and colleagues, run wild! And bonne chance!

Jane Owen has sent this rather wonderful image with the following curatorial comment: "The tomato represents the essence of empire, and as part of this abstract miniature garden or tablescape, symbolises the profound tension between formality and fruitiness." Fruity indeed, young lady. 

6th Sept Final update

First, an entry from VP (pictured below), who writes: "After days of tough negotiations, I've finally got my show garden sponsors in place - the astroturf people who gave away free samples outside Chelsea, Kinder Egg and my earring collection - to bring you the ultimate wildlife garden. As you can see lots of lovely creatures from across all five continents are all perfectly at home in the variety of habitats on offer to them."

And at last, a competitor who takes this truly covetable category seriously. Frugilegus writes:
"I was keen to take a traditional approach when designing this garden - reflecting both the central place of the miniature garden category in the gardening show tradition, and the customs and values upheld over centuries by our honourable members of parliament. As per tradition, the garden is contained in a standard seed-tray, and features a pond made from a recycled food-container. A lawn of moss also draws on decades of miniature garden ritual - and in this case reflects the modern lifestyle focus on "blurring the lines between indoors and outdoors", as it is an accurate of the condition of my own 2 square metres of lawn. To the right is a miniature zen garden, featuring Strawbini among the rocks. These were actually planted three months ago and should be a couple of feet tall and fruiting now, but alas, this parliamentary garden is characterised by stunted growth. Lastly, a pond clearly required a duck, and a duck clearly needs a duck-house.

I'm sure it's obvious from the image that this garden this took a craftsperson many hours of work, and the finest materials, to construct, and that it is only fair this is reflected in my claim form."

Frugilegus, we salute you. You truly are Right Honorable. And here is Frugilegus's masterwork:

STOP PRESS: MINIATURE VEGETABLE CATEGORY ANNOUNCED

In these sad days of trendy 'multiculturalism' and the nanny state gone mad, next you'll be telling me you want a Halal chicken category! But the committee did see fit to bend to local community pressure on one 'politically correct' part of the show. (Partly because we were told the funding for our Bermuda fact-finding trip would be withdrawn otherwise.) So now, instead of asking for the biggest veg, we're looking for the sizeably-challenged vegetable of the year. It breaks my heart to do it, I have to say. It makes me sick how great British values and traditions such as page 3, celebrity-bashing and giant marrow growing are being pulled down by these namby-pamby Eurocrats. But nevertheless, please send your bonsai vegetable pictures to me, I'll be sitting here reading the Daily Mail so I can find out what's really going wrong with this country of ours. And eating a chicken tikka sandwich. 

Our first miniature vegetable entry comes from Linda at An Artist's Garden (USA).

I cannot fundamentally see how anyone is going to produce tinier tomatoes than that... Wow! 

Look! Another really tiny sweet veg, this time a butternut squash from VP. She says: "Here's something to make you laugh - my largest butternut squash from last year's harvest. The jury's out on whether I'll triumph again this year as those darned slugs keep eating the flowers."

Juliet enters the category now, which is good because we did actually invent it for her. She writes, "Here's my first entry for the Emsworth village show - for the miniature vegetable category. The vegetables I am entering - one miniature carrot and two miniature potatoes - are in the bottom half of the photo. As well as a ruler to show their size, I have put them together with one each of my normal sized carrots and potatoes, as evidence that I didn't just plant the miniature ones last week - they have been growing as long as the others. I did also have some miniature French beans, but I'm afraid I ate them before I got around to taking their photo (doh)."

They are sooooooooo cute!
 

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE

James A-S sent this which I lurve, "My entry for teensy,weensy,tiny vegetable. One mini-chilli."

Ahhhhhhh......!

I honestly find it almost impossible to judge which one of these tiny veg are my favourites because they are all SOOOO SWEEEEETTTT. But this one, oh my god!!! 

Artist's Garden Karen says "I hope I am not too late with my entry for the smallest veg -I planted carrots alongside my onions in April this year to keep off the carrot fly – and when I dug up my onions – also also pulled up my carrots, as you can see for 4 months in the ground they are ... well minuscule (that is a five pence piece next to them) – I was going to give them to Patient Gardener for lunch – but instead I thought I would save them for the Emsworth Village Show."

Then Easygardener at Greenforks sent these, awww, she writes,  "Potatoes and way too small for trendy purple chips or crisps."

Squeak! Look at this from Ms B!!!!

And these miniature white cucumbers from Mr Cleve West (I believe his allotment site is open 19th September under the NGS - well worth going and have a nose I reckon).

And this titchy tomato from Mr Mark Diacono who, as a published and probably any minute award-winning vegetable book writer, should KNOW BETTER!!!!

And one last stop press entry from Venetia, which actually made me cry with laughter, and I award this certificate to all entrants, well done to all! She writes, "Minta said to send you some of my allotment/village show entries for your website, frankly not sure they are up to scratch, but thought you might like this one for mini veg category, complete with judge's comment from when we entered them into the village show "Sorry these should be larger".....

Am now thinking of re-naming the category for next year, Sorry These Should Be Larger.

NIGELLAS WITH ATTITUDE 4: STOP PRESS

I challenge anyone who owns a copy of the River Cottage Preserves Handbook, or similar, to a fruit leather making competition. Come on team! Let's have a go! Or Hawthorn harissa, or whatever, the weirdest thing out of Pam the Jam's book wins the prize. 

6th Sept FINAL UPDATE


Hurray! VP finally comes through with an entry. My fruit leather plans went to pot when I had to make cakes for a wedding all weekend. But Vp writes: "I haven't got round to making the Haw Ketchup yet and the local council flailed all the elderberry trees last week, so I won't be making the Pontack Sauce :( However, I did pickle some Nasturtium 'Capers' this morning. It's the easiest, peasiest recipe I've tried in the book thus far :) I'm not saying what they remind me of - perhaps your readers might like to hazard a guess?"

Anyone want to try?????

And she has a rival! Mark D sent this: "something from Pam-s book – mint syrup! Truly lovely. Had to have a pic of the making of it as it’s in homebrew brown glass bottles Im afraid." Homemade mint syrup... he really is living the good life.